31 December 2012 ~ A Month of Reflection

Close your eyes and imagine yourself on January 1, 2014. Where do you want to be – in your heart, in your soul, in the world? [Author: Lee]

I want most of all things simply to BE come 1 January 2013.

If I get that want supplied for 365 MORE days, one 24-hours at a time, then I hope to BE living a well-loved Life come January 1, 2014.

Really, this is all that I want any day, every day. Always.

To BE living a well-loved Life.

It is NOT so much to ask and yet only Now, in my 60^th year on this Planet, am I clear that THIS is all and everything I want.

The miracle of this Life I have enJOYed up until Now is never something I take for granted.

Anymore…

But I was NOT always so gracious nor circumspect.

I wish to BE someone whom people smile when they think of.

I hope to BE someone who never misses the opportunity to encourage someone else. 

Who holds a good and wondrous thought for all whose lives cross my own.

I need nothing BEfore I can BE happy. Another milestone realisation for me.

I hope always to BE kinder than necessary. 

Able to show deep compassion for all who travel alongside of me, in person or spirit.

I hope for laughter.

And tears.

A hand to hold Now and Again.

A hug to share.

Good and wondrous miracles to touch those I am blessed to know…

30 December 2012 ~ A Month of Reflection

As you reflect back on the happenings of 2012, what were your high points and what were your low points? What do you notice as you look back on the year as a whole? [Author: Carolyn Rubenstein]

This is a Very Big Question. Normally, I would find reasons to push it aside and while NOT really procrastinating on it, save it to write in a hurry and just get it done to call it done.

That is a High Point for me. Noticing the ways I get in my own way and keep myself small and in the shadows.

There have been many of those High Point Realisations & Insights in 2012. And to list them would only mean having to explain my language for certain things.

Suffice it to say I have seen “the enemy” and SHE BE ME!!! [and truthfully, she is NOT an enemy at all, she is an encouraging and gentle friend]

I suppose that is the highest of my High Points, learning to see myself inside, BEhind, and woven through each and every thing that works or flops.

Of course, in an entirely different respect, a definite High Point that just keeps going higher was/is selling GraceLand. I never EVER could have grasped what NOT having 4 wheels to get me here and there would open me up to experiencing.

NEVER EVER!!!

Low points were scattered in amongst the year as well.

Coming to terms with my real relationship with:

Money.

Debt.

Things.

Stuff.

Having.

Wanting.

Of course what was really amazing was/is fully realising and embracing Enough.

How wanting keeps me from enJOYing the Enoughness.

How regret keeps me from deLIGHTing in the Enoughness.

How comparing keeps me from the possibility of Love.

How one thing can BE so NOT itself when viewed through eyes that are awake and no longer shut against the Truth. [or truth, it isn’t always a capital T thing ;~D]

Overall, 2012 was/is a blessing.

An opening.

A glimpse.

And an encouragement.

29 December 2012 ~ A Month of Reflection

Imagine that you can view yourself from above. Watch carefully. What are you doing? What are you trying to accomplish? As objectively as possible, are you going in the right direction? [Author: Lee]

A curious prompt this one…

Mostly I say so BEcause I have recently started to step outside myself and observe me BEing Me. I have chosen to look from different vantage points, but from above, I don’t think that is one.

So on our walk this morning I tried it out.

I noticed that I have mayBE looked from above and just NOT called it that.

What I AM sure of, however, is that I don’t think there is a “Right Direction” NOR DO I BElieve I can call it “right” or “wrong” no matter how objective I might BE.

I know I am going in MY direction. In fact, lately I have been acutely aware that much of my movement and BEingness is unknown to me until I can look back on it.

I am sometimes quite caught up in realising that I am glad I paused.

I am relieved that I did NOT push.

I see where I got lost in WANTING and TRYing.

Most of all, I realise that I am neither in charge of my direction nor at its mercy.

I cooperate.

I explore.

I notice.

I go along, or sometimes I DO NOT go along.

I get interrupted and later see that as a gift.

I can say I have followed myself in a “wrong-for-me direction.”

Sometimes…

28 December 2012 ~ A Month of Reflection

We all surround ourselves with the things we love. A few favourite things – a blanket, a lamp, a piece of art, a chair, a lovey – something inanimate that brings us happiness. What do you have in your personal space that brings about happiness? What is the story attached to it that has it in your sacred space? [Author: Lee]

I love this prompt BEcause it ensures me that I have indeed changed. On a deeper level than I’d originally set out to DO. In ways BEyond my wildest imagining.

When I moved back East I deliberately looked for a small place to live. I wanted Gracie to have a yard, I thought privacy would BE nice, and I hoped for a space in which I could FEEL at home.

At first sight, I knew the Wee Cottage was the Wee Cottage. AND… I knew it was Home. It was clearly a divinely inspired thing.

I even remember looking at it online and laughing to imagine myself living in 300 square feet!!!

Now?! Now I canNOT imagine living anywhere else.

I have had things, and I still have things, but it is NOT the things that make themselves so special or valuable to me.

It is the “stories” they tell.

It is the passages they remind me of.

It is the way they cause my heart to smile and sometimes laugh uproariously.

It is the way they encourage me.

The way that I am lifted up or simply transported when I see or think about them.

Everything here is in plain sight. Nothing tucked or hidden away.

I like that. It’s a small space with cherished things and one very big heart.

27 December 2012 ~ A Month of Reflection

What is the greatest compliment you could give? Are you worthy of the same praise? [Author: Lee]

I took this one on my walk with Gracie this cold late December morning.

The sky a cloudless brilliant blue. The air just cold enough to make my hot tea extremely delicious.

It isn’t easy to narrow down the greatest compliment I could give.

Why?

BEcause I am more familiar with receiving them.

That’s a nice problem to have, eh?!

Then I thought some more.

In a blink I realised that my acknowledgments of others, how they make me see something in a new way, or how they make me pause, reflect, and suddenly see something that was completely invisible to me BEfore, that these are the greatest compliments I CAN give.

I think this is true largely BEcause they are the same sorts of compliments or acknowledgments that I receive.

And partially, though NOT insignificantly, they are the ones I often wish to receive. Perhaps from those whose compliment-receiving AND compliment-giving functions have given out altogether.

Sometimes, the greatest compliment I can give is remembering. Is taking a step toward someone. Is BEing Present.

This I know BEcause when others remember, take a step toward, or are Present for ME, I am so mightily blessed.

Compliments are NOT just fluff and nonsense, they are treasures. They are rich with wonder. And received, they linger, encouraging us long after they are given…

26 December 2012 ~ A Month of Reflection

Is there a time to which you would like to return? Describe it: the sights, sounds, smells, who was there, what was going on. Why would you like to return? [Author: Lee]

I am going to assume this means a time in 2012. 

And you know, there isn’t really a time BEcause once I start thinking of one it reminds me of another and then there is that OTHER another that jumps up and down asking me to choose it…

This is a nice way to feel, especially for someone who has spent whole decades obsessed with rewriting the Past.

Today I am happy just to BE.

And to have BEEN.

Alive.

Engaged with Life.

Loved.

Loving another and others.

Filled with laughter.

Overflowing with tears.

I love my Life Now and each day I’m content to leave it and let it go when it is over. 

That is nowhere I want to leave. 

Nor return to the time when I could NOT Let Go deeply.

If there were the ability to return to a Time Past, I wouldn’t know which to choose, BEcause to choose one would seem to take something BEautimous and remarkable from all the others.

I never would have imagined this would BE my story. 

That I would feel this way.

I always was so sure I would want to go back to the time when Timmy was a baby, or a little boy, or…

You see, I canNOT even choose that.

I am happy to BE Here.

Right Now… 

25 December 2012 ~ A Month of Reflection

At this point in the year gift giving is everywhere. What is the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year? [Author: Holly Root]

The most memorable of my gifts this year were all things I allowed.

That sounds strange, I know. It seems that no matter how wonderful it is to receive a gift, unless I allow myself to receive it isn’t really able to BE what it is.

Allowing myself to receive the gift of talking with my son each week. How did I “allow” this one?! Simple. I called him, sometimes many times, and eventually we connected or he called me back.

Allowing myself to receive the gift of BEing a part of something bigger than just Gracie and Me living quietly in the Wee Cottage. How did I ”allow” this one? I let my neighbours, in particular my front house neighbours in. How lovely it is to have done so.

Allowing myself to discover the JOYs of  simpler living. How?! I Let Go of my car. I Let Go of thinking I need something or must DO something. I allowed myself to experience the wonders of Enough. What Is. What Is NOT. And perhaps most of all, What Is Possible. What I never EVER would have imagined. NOT EVER!!!

Allowing people IN. Through this blog and 366 Daze and well, so many ways. I no longer experience loneliness. Instead each day there is meaningful connection. And BEautimous friendship…

Wondrous gifts all…

Yes!!

24 December 2012 ~ A Month of Reflection

Take some time to wander through all the photos taken over the past year. Which is your favourite? What emotions do you associate with it? [Author: Lee]

I took very few photographs this year. The vast majority were scans.

I learned a LOT about what I call “digital fiddling” as I have worked on 366 Daze of Grace.

When I look at it like that it is no wonder that there is not single favourite to point to.

What I have loved is sharing my photographs on my blogs, in online challenges, and even Right Here, in these “words of art” I am making using my paintings as photographs to “fill” the words.

This year both my older DSLR and my little Casio Exilim died peacefully in early March. It was a difficult time, but I managed to find a replacement for my Casio on eBay and so Life right-sized itself very quickly.

I’ve quite liked taking photographs on the days I teach though this year I didn’t DO that. Happily I discovered that I prefer actual one-to-one connecting with the kids far more.

Photography is MORE than taking pictures and LESS than fancy digital fiddling.

Somewhere in the middle is where I’ve found myself and my photography both putting down roots and growing amazing blooms.

It is a learning process and an adventure and there are as many ways to play it as there are stars in the sky.

I enJOY thinking about the Journey. Very VERY Much!!

23 December 2012 ~ A Month of Reflection

Have you had any alone time this year? Do you seek it? Does it make you comfortable or uncomfortable to be left alone with your thoughts? Where is the best place for you to be comfortable by yourself? [Author: Lee]

Alone has BEcome my new normal. And I like it. More than I could EVER have imagined. Astonishing.

I used to BE utterly undone by aloneness. It wasn’t so much the loneliness that undid me, but the lack of an[y] OTHER[s] to focus on.

For all of my Life I remember feeling Alone Time was punishment. Was too bad so sad, deal with it and get over yourself already!!!

No more.

I cherish my Solitude, which is what it feels like to me, Now, Alone Time. I love to write and paint and colour and draw and digitally fiddle with photographs and paintings.

I love to sit and look out the window. Or take a walk. Or simply BE.

Quiet.

Peaceful.

Listening to the depth of one moment.

What I noticed this year, more than ever BEfore, is how stimulating [in an overly sort of way] other people and time spent with and amongst them is for me.

Now I prepare myself for it and give myself sufficient time AFTER it to recoup, balance, rest, and refresh my Spirit.

I don’t let what other people DO or DO NOT DO upset my apple cart. Or at least so much as I did… And when I DO, I am able to talk myself in off the ledge and gently help me back down.

22 December 2012 ~ A Month of Reflection

Did you discover something that surprise or delighted you? What was it? [Author: Lee]

I'd have to say that discovering the bend and curve of My Life without 4 wheels has been one of the greatest discoveries of 2012. [and perhaps my entire adult Life]

Granted I canNOT go back and re-live the decades of my utter dependence upon motor vehicles, but I DO know that I always toyed with the notion of Life within walking distance, and I LOVE IT!!

Funny enough, this is my response Today, after an impromptu trip to Costco with my front house neighbour!! I realised that today was only the second time since 6 April that I have been inside a car as vehicle.

I can simply NOT imagine another time in my Life when I would have had such clarity about a very everyday thing.

The reason this surprised and deLIGHTed me was that I had simply been willing to DO this fairly large thing to get my expenses to STOP BEing greater than my income. And frankly, I hadn’t even considered BENEFITS to BE so plentiful or myriad.

The loss of enough weight and inches that my entire wardrobe is pretty much TOO BIG. And the realisation that I don’t NEED so many clothes.

Strength that I haven’t known or enJOYed in decades, simply BEcause I walk so much.

Happiness as walking heals me of most of my depression.

A deeper appreciation of what I DO and DO NOT eat or drink.

The pleasure of deep and restful sleep BEcause my body needs it and my mind goes along!!!

Recognising the difference BEtween Need & Want and feeling neither deprived nor superior to have a handle on them both.

An most blissful acquaintance with Enough. It is like I’ve completely rewired myself and WOW!!! I never realised how addicted to MORE MORE MORE I was.

Yes. I knew I was making a BIG Decision. What I couldn’t have known was how that one Very Big Decision  would make so much Possible.

It’s nice sometimes, BEing surprised and caught unaware…

21 December 2012 ~ A Month of Reflection

What were your favourite songs? [Author: Kaileen Elise]

I love music. And lyrics. And this love reaches far and wide and somewhere on BEyond that, too. I listen to music, a wide variety, all of which deLIGHT me, some at certain times, and some more than others…

My favourites, however, have been that for a Very Long While.

I notice when I start thinking to “name” them, there are others who are popping up saying Pick ME!! Pick ME, too!!!

BUT…

I’m going with For Good, from Wicked. It really speaks to the arc of 2012.

Goodbyes.

Letting Go.

Turning new corners.

I love this little video of a For Good rehearsal and the song’s backstory: http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=IwpKB-sj7GI&feature=endscreen

And here, the lyrics:

(Elphaba):

I'm limited

Just look at me - I'm limited

And just look at you

You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda

So now it's up to you

For both of us - now it's up to you...

(Glinda):

I've heard it said

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something we must learn

And we are led

To those who help us most to grow

If we let them

And we help them in return

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true

But I know I'm who I am today

Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit

As it passes a sun

Like a stream that meets a boulder

Halfway through the wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):

It well may be

That we will never meet again

In this lifetime

So let me say before we part

So much of me

Is made of what I learned from you

You'll be with me

Like a handprint on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you have re-written mine

By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring

By a wind off the sea

Like a seed dropped by a skybird

In a distant wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

(Glinda):

Because I knew you

(Both):

I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):

And just to clear the air

I ask forgiveness

For the things I've done you blame me for

(Glinda):

But then, I guess we know

There's blame to share

(Both):

And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda):

Like a comet pulled from orbit

As it passes a sun

Like a stream that meets a boulder

Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba):

Like a ship blown from its mooring

By a wind off the sea

Like a seed dropped by a skybird

In a distant wood

(Both):

Who can say if I've been

Changed for the better?

I do believe I have been

Changed for the better

(Glinda):

And because I knew you...

(Elphaba):

Because I knew you...

(Both):

Because I knew you...

I have been changed for good...

Music heals. It encourages. It sets me straight.

Songs reach inside me. Take me places I might NOT BE brave enough to go myself. Safely.

This one does that. Every time I hear it.

Even though it’s essentially sad, I love this song. It doesn’t pretty things up or tear them down.

It speaks from their heart.

20 December 2012 ~ A Month of Reflection

Do you consider yourself to be in good health? What changes can you make to be at your most healthy? [Author: Lee]

I DO. I really am in extraordinarily good health. Even with all that is NOT as I might prefer it BE.

Accommodating my body’s capabilities is getting to BE far easier as the years go on, strange as that is to wrap my head around.

What often astonishes me is the way that I am healthier Now. MayBE that is due to circumstances which taught me so much. Or just mayBE it is due to learning to take care of myself.

For years I was Very Pissed-Off that my Spina Bifida wasn’t found earlier. And I was deeply resentful that I was kept from getting help, too, with the depression that I’ve lived with since I was about 10.

So much shame and isolation ensued from both of these that has both made my Life the wonder that it is and the hell that it was.

A really great thing happened in early 2011 in the form of a Continuing Disability Review. Dealing with it all on my own and having no one to encourage or help me [which I felt was “so unfair”] turns out to have introduced me to myself in a brand new and pretty wonderful way.

At the end I was a different person entirely. I realised how much Social Security Disability enables me to work with my health circumstances.

I  was most grateful through that process to look at how my health has improved since 2002, when I stopped teaching and medically retired.

Living alone has also been a great teacher. All in all, a “really unfair” happening enriched me tremendously.

During 2012, I have been consistently healthy. No knocking on wood, either. Nor focusing on the pain that is visiting me today. It is what it is.  Somedays there is pain. I don’t enJOY it, but I can work with it.

Perhaps one of the Very Best gifts of 2012 is what feels like overnight weight loss. Choosing to sell my car and work within the means I DO have has led me to walk. A LOT.

And to change what and how much I eat.

The result is sweet. And it has changed me. On the inside. MayBE more than what you could see just by looking at me.

I am sure that Time will reveal more and show me other changes to make. And I am sure that I will listen and heed Time’s “suggestions” or nudges.

Health is a funny thing BEcause we often pay it more attention when it is NOT good. I don’t DO that.

I lean into the ordinary everyday goodness of mine.

And I listen to it.

And I respond accordingly.

19 December 2012 ~ A Month of Reflection

When did you cry? [Author: Kaileen Elise]

It is strange to think about crying. Crying is a sad thing.

And yet…

MayBE I am NOT looking at it in quite the right way.

MayBE crying isn’t just when my eyes leak.

MayBE crying is when I open my heart to another’s situation and circumstance.

MayBE crying is what I feel deep inside me when I read something that is written just wondrously.

MayBE crying is when amazing JOY BEgins to dance in me.

MayBE crying is knowing one day I will walk a path similar to the one my friend is walking today.

MayBE crying is when I look around the Wee Cottage and see evidence that I LIVE here.

MayBE crying is discovering that I am the one who is standing in my own way.

MayBE crying is how I explain myself to me.

MayBE crying is the way through something that makes no sense at all to me.

MayBE crying is where I go when I am simply undone by someone’s generosity.

MayBE crying is writing or making art or making Gracie’s breakfast.

MayBE crying is when I hear my dad’s voice on a voicemail.

MayBE crying is when someone who is no longer that someone for me writes Thanks, you too.

MayBE crying is daring to LIVE in the World without armour or any defensive posturing…

18 December 2012 ~ A Month of Reflection

If you were to be brought a bouquet, what flowers would you want it to hold? Colourful? Monochromatic? Traditional? Modern? [Author: Lee]

At the risk of BEing called hopelessly corny, I have a bouquet in mind that can BE picked and will keep its splendiferous colour and fragrance forever. [and until the day after that]

The flowers? Well let me name them alphabetically…

Abundance. This keeps budding and blooming no matter the weather.

BEauty. BEauty has so many shades and hues. All feasts for the eyes and wonders for the soul.

Creativity. Curiosity. Compassion. Lots of these scattered in amongst the rest.

Dreams. Happy ones. And ones that make us a little bit sad. DeLIGHT.

Encouragement. Ease. Oh, and Enthusiasm. Such amazing little wonder-flowers.

Fun. Lots and lots of those. And definitely a stem or two of Focus.

Gratitude. This one’s amazing. You just look its way and it multiplies it gorgeosity!

Healing. Hope. Happiness. Humility. What can I say?! Always want those blooming round me!!

Inspiration. Imagination. Oh DO these smell exquisite!!

JOY. Of course.

Kindness. Simple and sweet those flowers.

Love. Obviously. Laughter. LIGHT. Learning. Essential picks.

Magic. Meaning. And this rarest of all, Making a Difference.

Nonsense. Nearness. Nurturing. These will always hold a bouquet together.

Originality. Openness. And the little one with the BIG voice… OH YES!!!!!

Patience. Power. Peace. Prayer. Praise. They speak for themselves.

Quiet. Questions. Can always count on these to BE just right.

Rare. Remarkable. Remembering. I like the way these make my heart sing.

Song. Story. Sweetness. Silliness. No day is complete without these four.

Trust. Tenderness. Time. The only ones I will want MORE of & completely enJOY just as they are.

Useful. Unique. Underneath. Upside-down. Funny names for flowers, yes, still, have you ever???!

Vision. SEEing that doesn’t always depend on eyes.

Wonder. And a few Weirdos, too.

X-ray Visuals. These let me see deep in that part of my heart where the pain still hides and hurts.

YOU!! I always want a few stems of YOU. And YOU!! And yes, YOU, too!!!

Zen. This one is a little unusual, like the Zebra. But still… I want my Zens in there for sure.

Laugh if you will. I don’t mind. Your laughter will make my bouquet all the sweeter.

17 December 2012 ~ A Month of Reflection

What in your current life or context provides the spark for the future that you want to create? Where do you see your future beginning? [Author: Lee]

I have a confession. I don’t BElieve in the Future. Perhaps that seems weird well into this month of reflection. Surely one mining the Past for treasure can see treasure ahead?!

What I DO BElieve in is Right Now. This Moment. The Present.

Really, the Future is never EVER what I’ve imagined. It’s always BEyond my reach. Impossible to grasp.

And yet…

BEing a good sport, determined to reflect and fully embracing the gifts within my year-ending look back, I will say that I see much that is possible in that place called “the future” which will, always and forever, remain just BEyond Right Now.

I see that writing and BEing heard, read, and reaching far BEyond my own tiny pond might BE something along the road of My Life.

It is happening, Now, quite without my intending it to, Right Here, in this blog where, really, I’ve only shared my art up until Now.

I see the hint of deepened connections. NOT through Facebook or Twitter, but through shared serendipity, the very thing that brought me to blogging in 2012.

It is happening, Now, through my daily reading and responding and following links, connections deepening NOT where I’d expected, instead where I’d never imagined.

I see more daring and boldness from me. In particular letting my art BE a reliable vehicle for me to make a real and lasting difference in this wondrous World I live in.

It is happening, Now, quite out of the blue and deLIGHTfully so; where and how I’d least guessed.

There is a “future I want to create” even if I don’t BElieve wholeheartedly in The Future. Does this make sense or nonsense?!

I want to create a future where there is collaboration, cooperation, and encouragement.

I want to create a future without fear, anxiety, and the heavy mantle of regret, or simple unadulterated shame.

I want to create a future in which each one’s strengths harmonise with every other’s weaknesses.

I want to create a future that gives without needing a receipt, any acknowledgement whatsoever, and absent any sort of scorekeeping.

I want to create a future of Enough.

I want to create a future with Hope in glorious abundance.

I want to create a future driven by and running on laughter, hugs, and BEing with each other, however that looks or happens.

I want to create a future held together with love, dreams, JOY, and imagination.

I want to create a future to heal each and every single solitary one of us, and remove any feelings of exclusion we’re still carrying or might actually NOT even realise.

I want to create THAT FUTURE.

Anyone else in?!

16 December 2012 ~ A Month of Reflection

What was the greatest disappointment of the year and how did you let go? [Author: Lee]

It is hard to think of this year as disappointing. It was a remarkable year. Most of what might BE considered a disappointment is actually exactly and wondrously exquisite.

However, I think there is one thing that qualifies.

In February, after months of no response to my application to BE an artist with a local organisation that sends artists into schools and afterschool programs, I was asked to come in for an interview.

I was terrified. Thrilled. Dubious. Exuberant. I was a veritable “fart in a skillet” anticipating this door opening and welcoming me in.

Fortunately for me, I had this interview at the end of a week when I had been teaching the arts programs I DO here, so I had fresh footprints on my “teacherly” heart.

The morning came and I was on my way with time to spare.

And then…

The directions from Google took me someplace entirely NOT where I needed to BE. I was unable to sort it out so I stopped at a car dealership, the only place I could find where someone might BE able to help straighten me out.

They let me use the phone but the gentleman who answered was no help; in fact discouraging. I almost decided to just go home. Then I got simple directions from a guy at the dealership and arrived only about 20 minutes late.

The woman who met me at the door was so glad to see me, saying how sorry she was for the trouble I had finding them. It was weird, truly.

[Why is it we’re oblivious to the possibility of kindness, instead steeling ourselves for the chiding and dressing-down we expect?!]

About 8 minutes into the actual interview the interviewer and the woman who met me at the door were just beaming. 

They were thrilled with me. 

They loved my answers to how I would DO or handle or approach this, that, or the other situation or circumstance.

So, why the disappointment?!

Simple. As much as they liked me and as much as I wanted to DO this, a few weeks later I made the decision to sell my car to better manage my monthly expenses.

It was hard to make that decision with the possibility of work I loved and wanted to DO staring back at me incredulously.

BUT I DID. And then I took action. And within 2 weeks GraceLand was no more…

Mine.

The thing is, it’s less a disappointment than an encouragement. Really.

BEcause I chose to Let Go, to Trust Life.

And I’ve NOT really been disappointed by it at all.

Only happy to remember their beaming faces and kind words. 

15 December 2012 ~ A Month of Reflection

What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something that you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? [Author: Gretchen Rubin]

I love how this prompt feels in me. I was just thinking about this out walking with Gracie. I was thinking about how this year has been such a JOY BEcause I have been creating, “making” things each and every single day of it. For me that is NOT about what might sound like self-congratulation and ALL ABOUT the pleasure it is to BE my fully creative self.

Many years I have wished I could or would have DONE something. MORE.

Many days in those years I have felt ashamed that I have NOT used my gifts. For me writing is JOY. It is Happy. It is relaxing, refreshing, and REALLY wondrous. But I haven’t let myself enJOY this BEcause there was no reason to DO it.

After all…

Who would read it?!

Who would care?!

This year I have discovered that it matters little or NOT one tiny bit who reads me. Who sees the art I make and post for others to enJOY.

What other people read, see, think, or say is None Of My Business.

[I never really liked that phrase yet it is exquisite for this]

By making my art every day, by making the time for that each day, first thing, I have changed myself on the inside into someone I like very much on the outside.

And someone I like BEing. A lot.

While exercising my creative muscle groups, I have found strength and stretch and possibility I’d never imagined could BE mine. WAS mine!!!

I have learned a little about many things and quite a LOT about a few things.

I have met people all round the globe that were I to stay in my nice little comfy zone of wishing and hoping but NOT DOing would never have crossed my path.

Amazing stuff.

Of course I also thought, upon reading this prompt, that the last thing I made was a Very Delicious Cup of Tea!!! And choices I’m happy with today.

I think living Life as a creative BEing moreso than an always in my head and thinking BEing is divine.

I think living as Process NOT Product is fantastic.

I think living all of my days filling them with takes and MIS-takes is the Very Best Way for me.

I DO have a particular something I want to make, something I’ve been moving toward the past few days. It involves words, but these are cut and pasted and pieced together words and it will take me some time BEcause there is simply no quick and easy way to power through such a project.

Which is why I have and continue to make time for it… 

14 December 2012 ~ A Month of Reflection

Where did you feel most relaxed? Do you have a special space?

[Author: Lee]

It’s a strange prompt, in a way, yet provocative and inspired, too. When I think of BEing relaxed, or what relaxes me, I realise that my Life is relaxing.

NOT BEcause I haven’t any cares, nor due to some wondrous “Zen-ness” outlook on Life. No, I am relaxed in my Life BEcause I have been deliberate and intentional about creating a Life that fits and suits and even cherishes me.

That’s a weird way of saying that I no longer ride herd or jump up and down on my own back. It’s a reflex, and I slip sometimes still, yet I quickly catch myself.

Mostly.

I notice. I listen. I pay attention. I see when my thoughts go straying down a tricky and rocky terrain.

I stop. I pause. I wait. And I breathe.

This is how I cherish myself.

As I realise this I have new clarity about Life BEfore. My Life BEfore.

I was often unkind, impatient, and downright nasty. To myself. With others.

I know I learned to DO this so I could stay ahead of those whose intent always seemed to BE to treat me as less than. I figured if I were already riding herd on my own back, they’d have trouble getting a foothold and DOing the same.

It doesn’t work to live Life reacting to what’s mayBE up round the next bend. It makes Life anything BUT relaxing. It is hurtful.

Building a Life for myself here wasn’t really what I wanted to DO. I wanted to seem to BE DOing this as a means to an end. Reflecting on that it is abundantly clear why my first year here was so tense and the next couple a kind of slip-and-slide.

Just this morning, taking Gracie to Barkingham Palace for her quarterly Spa Day, I was thinking about all that I could DO today with the day. [I usually clean the Wee Cottage on these days so she does NOT have to deal with the vacuum noise and me moving things about.]

I realised that I could just BE in the day. BE quiet. BE Present. BE home and in out of the rainy coldness out there.

Odd as it sounds, that would NEVER EVER have occurred to me BEfore this year.

Rush-rush-rushing-rushing at a zillion miles an hour Getting Things DONE is NOT my idea of relaxing but my history tells another story entirely.

I BElieve I am most relaxed when I am Present with myself, wherever that is and whatever might BE going on.

When I Let Go of BEing a human reflexive habit.

And when I simply breathe in and open up to Life.