Fearlessness & The Unknown

I had originally planned to explore more about knowing and NOT knowing, but I've learned something this week: 

I am quite content about what I know and what I don't know.

I am even just fine with NOT knowing what I know and NOT knowing what I don't know.

Having a head injury has made this all really clear for me. I'm sure that sounds odd, but this is what I am thinkingandfeeling today.

I know there are always going to BE unknowns and probably unknowables, too. So BE it. Life goes on...

I'm comfortable with anyone seeing that I don't know although as I navigate this head injury I am more than a little uncomfortable with what I don't know. I'm just going to have to find my way and give others time to adjust, too.

All of that is getting better day by day, little by slowly.

I know that I am a person of integrity AND that at Present I am forgetting things I should BE remembering and thinking about things that sometimes make no sense at all.

This will pass OR a way round it will BE put in place.

I am attending to what is important and learning that letting go of what is NOT is NOT anywhere near the End of the World.

I'm recalling a quote from Lao Tzu that goes:

If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you are not afraid of dying, there is nothing you cannot achieve.

Change is constant. And ongoing. And while that may on the face of it seem redundant, it's NOT, at least NOT to me.

And I've no fear at all of dying. I know it's going to happen and I trust it. I am in no great hurry, yet I am NOT anxious. It's merely another Let Go.

Honestly...

I didn't know I would BE Here, Right Now, yet I canNOT imagine me BEing anywhere else. 

That seems a good way for me to BE and to Live.

Open.

Willing.

Knowing I know some things and don't know some others.

How about you?!

Any of this stirring your pot?!

I am challenging myself to write out loud for the 91 days, 1 April through 30 June 2013. I'm pulling questions out of hats and giving them some room to romp. If you have a question to share, please email me... 

silver dot currie at gmail dot com

Knowing & NOT Knowing ... Is There A Difference?!

I used to think it was important to know stuff. 

To BE "in the know." 

To have a handle on things. 

In fact, when I would go someplace, a new-to-me city, for instance, I'd bury my nose in a map rather than looking around in awe and amazement.

But over the years I have learned to revel in the unknown.

To enJOY NOT knowing and BE enthralled and deLIGHTed by it, too.

My Life and I have changed so much this past year that I no longer prefer Knowing over NOT Knowing. 

Certainty over diving into the depths of the Unknowable.

One year ago today, April 6, 2012, I sold my car and BEgan my New Life as a person without wheels. 

I had no clue, it turns out, what a magical World I was stepping into.

[I even admit to BEing utterly clueless how wondrous that spur of the moment decision to sell my car could possibly BE!!!]

What I thought of as a means to "afford my Life" and "buy me some time" has turned out to BE a magic key.

A Journey that has taken me to the center of JOY, a place where there is no map, where all I CAN DO is BE captivated by awe and amazement.

Life is like this, I know; one thing suggesting another but then it is NOT that at all.

While it's NOT all peaches and cream, and here I refer only to dealing with the public transportation side of my new Life, it is daily awe-inspiring.

I sometimes wish I was still the little girl who could cover miles on her bike, but I'm content to walk. I've nowhere so far to go that the walk isn't a JOY... 

I thought I knew all the trade-offs and good in this, yet clearly I did NOT.

How about YOU?! 

Where DO YOU sit along the Knowing & NOT Knowing spectrum?!

I am challenging myself to write out loud for the 91 days, 1 April through 30 June 2013. I'm pulling questions out of hats and giving them some room to romp. If you have a question to share, please email me... 

silver dot currie at gmail dot com

Artist's Play Room #51 ~ Peacock

For me, colouring, just for the sweet sake of colouring, is a Life saver. I discovered this last fall as I was rearranging my plans for DOing Kickin' Arts at  the Delray Beach Center for the Arts this school year. 

I had sort of been drawn-in to the world of Zentangle or simply doodling, and then had been printing out some of my word art words and colouring them. 

That was the AH-HAH moment.

The calming and restorative effect of colouring.

So, when I saw this theme, Peacock, for APR #51, I BEgan to think of how I wanted to approach it. 

I had all sorts of Big Ideas BEfore realising that the key for me is DOing things that are calming, enJOYable, and simply simple, especially as I continue to come back from the attack last month and find pockets where pain is NOT taking over.

This is how I came upon colouring.

I found several colouring pages via Google for peacocks. I actually have a couple of others still to try and a few I tried prior to this one.

Yet this is my choice to share with you.

What was fun was re-drawing it using Vellum and then colouring in bits and parts little by slowly.

Afterwards, in Pixlr Express, I played a bit with the scanned-in version. Here's the result of that exercise...

And another version, inverting the colours but without any further digital fiddling...

It's a simple process, yet mighty effective. Oh, and the colouring page I have used can BE found at http://imagixs.com/peacock-coloring-pages-for-kids/. There are several other versions as well.

Asking Some Questions & Exploring Some Answers

When I Know Someone Else Doesn't Know, What DO I DO About It?

The first thing I think about this question is that it really is NOT any of my business what someone else does or does NOT know.

And yet...

Sometimes there is good reason to NOT "enlighten" another about something I know they don't know. 

It is kinder.

It is thoughtier.

It is mayBE even a matter of Too Much Information in the wrong hands.

On the other hand...

When I know that someone is completely clueless, perhaps even dangerous BEcause of what he or she does NOT know, I have a whole nother pot of porcupines simmering on my stove.

And it often rests on making a judgment call, which since I try NOT to BE judgmental or to act as if I know what is "best" is really NOT someplace I want to BE, making the entire proposition much too iffy and cumbersome.

The other day I had a driver who had no idea where he was or where he was going with me in the back seat. It was NOT an experience I wish EVER to have again. And yet here I am, waiting Right Now for another driver hoping I won't have any sort of a repeat experience...

BEcause I think, in retrospect, I should have taken action in this case.

BEcause when I DID take action, after the fact, once I was on "dry land" and out of his vehicle, the process involved is one where I must complain and basically tell my version of the incident to someone who then writes it up to give someone else and if, once all this is done, that driver says it didn't happen, then I have to hold onto the experience even longer to make sure the proper action is taken.

Does anyone else see the conundrum here?!

So really, I don't know that I have an answer for this one, one that I could stand by No Matter What. In fact, I am kind of wishing I had just "looked the other way" instead of reporting the incident since at Present I am having a heck of a time generally with the whole concept of re-hashing of events...

When I KNOW someone does NOT know what I DO know...

my goodness. 

that's all I've got.

DO YOU have any ideas or thoughts on this?!

 am challenging myself to write out loud for the 91 days, 1 April through 30 June 2013. I'm pulling questions out of hats and giving them some room to romp.  If you have a question to share, please email me... silver dot currie at gmail dot com

Asking Some Questions & Exploring Some Answers

How DO I Cover-Up What I Don't Know?

I'd love to tell you I don't. 

That I am completely 100% comfy cozy with letting my ignorance and obliviousness hang on out there. 

That I am NOT buffeted by pride or any of its closest relatives.

But here's the thing... sometimes it is just too darned hard to BE someone who does NOT know BEcause I have that linked up in me as something NEVER EVER to let on about. 

EVER.

AT ALL!!!

It all started when... 

[nope, I am NOT going to go there ;~D]

I am learning that most people don't know things, too.

Imagine.

Almost 60 years on this planet and I am just NOW learning this.

Mostly I just try to BE really quiet about things and hope that I can sort it out or pick it up, but occasionally I will admit to NOT knowing and let somebody try walking me through to where I can understand.

I'm a little impatient with this sort of thing however. And sometimes that comes out as arrogance, snarkiness, sarcasm, or some rarified combination of all that and a few secret sauces I'm still dragging round from childhood.

Anyway, one of the best things I ever came to know about NOT knowing is that there are NO STUPID QUESTIONS!! 

[although I think there may BE some stupid people who maintain that I would BE completely wrong about this...]

Anyway, I'm learning to let my little light flicker when it won't shine.

I'm willing to look and even to BE foolish.

What about you?!

DO You cover-up when you don't know something?!

Does it make you get a little something-something when you're NOT in the know and wish you WERE?!

enJOY!!

I am challenging myself to write out loud for the 91 days, 1 April through 30 June 2013. I'm pulling questions out of hats and giving them some room to romp.  If you have a question to share, please email me... silver dot currie at gmail dot com

Photo Art Friday 5 April 2013 ~ Collage

I'm "staying off my brain" as my friend advised me, so this week's Photo Art Friday is a wee bit of a recycling exercise.

For the past few months I have been creating digital collages each morning for my daily Gratitude. It's given me a remarkably swift rise in self-confidence given both the early hour when I DO this and the repetition that makes it second nature.

By mid-afternoon, the entire process is too daunting, but BEfore the sun's even come up, I actually DO it in my sleep.

Well, sort of...

The above collage was made by using a texture fiddled with in Picasa plus a photo from my archives also fiddled with in Picasa plus an in-the-moment poeming [since this month is National Poetry Month I used a line from e.e. cummings as my jumping-off point] all stirred and simmered in Pixlr Express.

That's the same "recipe" I've used for these other 3 as well.

And for those who are so kind to have asked me to keep you in the loop, the MRI last Friday was a "good" one as it ruled out a whole bunch of things I'd worried about. I didn't really grasp how much I was worrying until I knew those results. thank you one and all for your kind asking and generous thoughts, prayers, good scoobah, and overall amazing wonderfulness!!

Monday saw me back in my doctor's office for hours of electric tests and readings as well vascular tests. looks like it's just a bad knock on the head that didn't DO any of the Really BAD Damage.

YAY!!

That said, I'm still dealing with the concussion and extenuating neck and back pain. I started Cervical Traction yesterday [Wednesday] which I will DO twice weekly for 6 weeks. Hopeful it will help ease this and bring me back to "normal" [or as "normal" as I ever was] BEfore too long.

some of the really yucky stuff about the whole episode is that I am really on edge ALLTHETIME and especially around dogs. Gracie and I have been walking with friends most mornings and that's been a saving grace. the afternoons are another kettle of bunny rabbits, but we're at least pointing in the direction we want to go.

TIME...

TIME...

I have learned a very disconcerting thing about homeowner's insurance in Florida, that BEing that companies can opt NOT to cover someone's dogs DOing what these 2 dogs did to Gracie and me. I am grateful I already have a neurologist I see every couple of months BEcause, well, you know, where would I BE without him and his entire staff?! I am also grateful that BEcause of my disability and that I DO see him more regularly than any doctor, all of what's going on is more accessible as in they already know where I was BEfore this happened. I know that may NOT make a lot of sense to you, but to me it is cause for great celebration and Gratitude. 

Hourly.

And Now that I know it's NOT a TBI or hemorrhage or whatever else I don't know that it might have been, I've had a chance to assess other things like why I wake up in a panic, get dragged round by a fearsome thought that buzzes me, asleep AND sometimes when wide awake, like a herd of mosquitoes dive-bombing my ears. 

[This is that part that feels so shameful. 
FEAR.
and confusion.
and NOT BEing able to make sense with words.]

So I am especially grateful for my friend who walks with me in the mornings and my front house family who keep checking on me, give me rides, bring me  ripe tomatoes from their wee garden.

And Gracie. Who just goes on loving me, nutty or cranky, tense or simply too tired to play... She is so good, so wondrously dear to me.

And for YOU and the people on my Gratitude List who are so kind, so encouraging, and so blessedly patient and understanding. Who remember to ask me how I am and take the time to send me words of encouragement.

I suppose this post is more a collage of those thoughtsandfeelings...

with great love and amazement at your generous hearts...

Asking Some Questions & Exploring Some Answers

Where DO I Feel My NOT Knowing?

I feel it deep in my heart and you know... it is okay, even wondrous, when it is NOT knowing what I am, honestly, better off NOT knowing.

On the other hand...

Some of my NOT knowing is very difficult and overwhelming.

It can suck the air right out of me.

And bring me to my knees.

Which is, I suppose, a good place to BE at such a time...

How about YOU?!

Where DO YOU feel Your NOT Knowing?!

I am challenging myself to write out loud for the 91 days, 1 April through 30 June 2013. I'm pulling questions out of hats and giving them some room to romp.  If you have a question to share, please email me... silver dot currie at gmail dot com